This season calls for a tartan bow the size of a dinner plate, traditional baubles on the tree and a host of wooden nutcracker soldiers. ‘Ralph Lauren Christmas’ has gone viral, and gen Z has fallen hard for nostalgia and the 1990s

It is December, which everyone knows is the time to get your Christmas on. So what is it to be this year? An ironic wreath made from brussel sprouts? Oh-so-zeitgeist decorations in the shape of Perelló olive tins or Torres crisp packets? Or are we thinking a minimalist all-white theme?

Wrong, wrong and wrong again. My front door wreath – it went up two weeks ago because I’m a Christmas superfan – is huge and trad, with a tartan bow the size of a dinner plate. There are wooden nutcracker soldiers the size of toddlers by the fireplace. When I put my tree up this weekend, it may well collapse under the weight of old-fashioned round baubles.

Our style guru’s gift picks are in – from a cult lip oil and fashion-desk-approved earrings to the T-shirt brand every cool kid wants

• The best self-care gifts for Christmas

Angelina Jolie once bought Brad Pitt a California waterfall for Christmas. Another time, she got him a 200-year-old olive tree for their estate in Provence as a Valentine’s gift. I guess she set the bar pretty high when she bought him Ernest Hemingway’s actual typewriter as a wedding gift.

Anecdotally, this does not suggest that gift-giving is a guarantee of a happy marriage, so maybe don’t sweat your beloved’s pressie too much. However, I do love the treasure hunt of Christmas shopping, and a wrapping session with a good podcast or two. Here’s what I’ve got my sights on this year …