I used to remove myself from experiences in favour of chasing matches. Now I’m fulfilled by the company of real people

Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. For a while I was swiping so much I was barely thinking. Dating apps had hijacked my fingers, brain and evenings. I’d swipe left, mindlessly and without even looking, under the table at group dinners or during TV ad breaks. I’d fanatically check my new matches at the end of each day. “This is modern dating,” I’d tell myself. “It’s a job. I have to keep on going. This is the key to my happy ending.”

For months, this was my normality. But unsurprisingly, the lifelong romance I was looking for never materialised. As I sat on my sofa on yet another Sunday night ready to swipe until I ran out of steam, I decided I’d finally had enough. Even if my screen was flooded with likes or messages, my forays into dating app culture had rarely ended with in-person dates. I’d spend hours agonising over a single response – I needed to be funny, cool and captivating but not give too much away. But why was I so desperate to impress a distant stranger trapped behind a screen? What was I doing all the monotonous swiping for? I decided I needed to go cold turkey and figure out why I had been sucked in so completely.

Anya Ryan is a freelance journalist

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© Photograph: Malte Mueller/Getty Images/fStop

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© Photograph: Malte Mueller/Getty Images/fStop

I’m furious that women still do more than their fair share of domestic chores. At least this might take my mind off it

The other night, I spent half an hour cleaning the mud kitchen of a city farm, surrounded by sand, goat hair and mulch. I have never cleaned the inside of my own oven. Yesterday, I lost a happy hour dusting all the shelves of my friend’s bookshop with a fluffy grey duster so extendable that at one point I started cleaning the rafters just because I could. I have never, to my knowledge, dusted any of my shelves. Last week, I happily washed about 40 wine glasses after a book event, noting the different shades of lipstick as I went. Washing up in my kitchen makes me want to punch a hole through the sink.

Cleaning anything that isn’t my own home feels less boring, less pointless, less like my soul is being leached into an abyss of dirty hobs and splattered toothpaste. Perhaps it’s because this kind of cleaning less pointedly marks out the continued gender inequality that lurks at the heart of most British households and was exacerbated by the pandemic. A report called How Are Mothers and Fathers Balancing Work and Family under Lockdown?, published by the Institute for Fiscal Studies and University College London in May 2020, found that, in the first months of the first UK lockdown, mothers were still doing disproportionately more housework and childcare than fathers. Even when both were in the house. Even if both were paid employees. Even if the mother was the primary earner.

Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.

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© Photograph: Drazen_/Getty Images

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© Photograph: Drazen_/Getty Images

Researchers say transcranial direct-current stimulation can reduce ‘love trauma syndrome’

Breaking up, as the Neil Sedaka hit goes, is hard to do. The emotional pain of a romantic split can be so severe it has its own clinical name – love trauma syndrome, or LTS.

But help could be at hand for those seeking to mend a broken heart. Research shows wearing a £400 headset for just a few minutes a day may ease the misery, negativity and depression that can accompany a failed relationship.

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© Photograph: Tetra Images, LLC/Alamy

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© Photograph: Tetra Images, LLC/Alamy

Artificial intelligence is creating companions who can be our confidants, friends, therapists and even lovers. But are they an answer to loneliness or merely another way for big tech to make money?

Could you fall in love with an artificial intelligence? When Spike Jonze’s film, Her, came out 10 years ago, the question still seemed hypothetical. The gradual romance between Joaquin Phoenix’s character Theodore and Scarlett Johansson’s Samantha, an operating system that embraces his vulnerabilities, felt firmly rooted in science fiction. But just one year after the film’s release, in 2014, Amazon’s Alexa was introduced to the world. Talking to a computer in your home became normalised.

Personified AI has since infiltrated more areas of our lives. From AI customer service assistants to therapy chatbots offered by companies such as character.ai and wysa, plus new iterations of ChatGPT, the sci-fi storyline of Her has come a lot closer. In May, an updated version of ChatGPT with voice assistant software launched, its voice’s similarity to Scarlett Johansson’s prompting the actor to release a statement claiming that she was “shocked, angered and in disbelief” that the AI system had a voice “eerily similar” to her own.

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© Illustration: Thomas Burden/The Observer

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© Illustration: Thomas Burden/The Observer

After a night of conversation and chemistry, Deborah Callaghan gave her number to Rory. He tried calling her all weekend – then on Monday remembered where she worked

I noticed Rory years before he noticed me. We were book publicists for separate companies and worked on the same TV drama. We met at the launch party in Sydney and spoke briefly about possible crossover promotional opportunities. Right then I would have followed him over a cliff. If only he had asked.

I was instantly attracted to his dark blue eyes and Irish demeanour. He was funny and charismatic. Unfortunately, it became apparent Rory might be in a relationship with an older, more assured woman who had also worked on the drama. To my eyes she was sophisticated and beautiful. He was out of my league and already attached.

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© Composite: Supplied/Getty Images

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© Composite: Supplied/Getty Images

Harry wasn’t sure he’d love again after his wife died, and Meredith’s ex was ‘Victorian’ in bed, so finding each other has been a joy

• How do you do it? Share the story of your sex life, anonymously

My body just reacted. I suddenly felt, I’d love to take this person to bed just to get closer to her

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© Illustration: Ryan Gillett/The Guardian

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© Illustration: Ryan Gillett/The Guardian

Rebecca, 26, a senior marketing executive, meets Lars, 23, a journalist

What were you hoping for?
I wanted to approach the evening with an open mind. I just wanted to have a bit of an adventure.

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© Photograph: Graeme Robertson/The Guardian

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© Photograph: Graeme Robertson/The Guardian

The former cricketer discusses the ramifications of his decision to speak out about racism at Yorkshire; a reader has developed an intense crush on an unavailable work colleague; Boris Johnson and Brexit weren’t the only reasons Rory Stewart left politics; and Simon Usborne on the destructive impact of bamboo

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© Photograph: Jill Mead/The Guardian

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© Photograph: Jill Mead/The Guardian

Shamin Vogel sets out the stark reality for today’s young women who face ridiculous societal expectations and high living and childcare costs. Plus letters from Rachel Fowler and Claire Elizabeth Brown

I read Emma Beddington’s column with delight (Young women are telling each other to ‘date rich’. How terrifyingly retro, 9 June). I was raised to think that I can achieve whatever I want, always with the reminder that generations of women before me fought for equality. Moving to London for my studies, I became acquainted with the concept of women studying just to find a rich husband and to be a housewife and mother. This idea was utterly foreign, even incomprehensible, to the career‑oriented 19-year-old me.

A decade later, I am surrounded by female friends who now regret not having found a rich husband – who are faced with rising living expenses, a ticking body clock, ridiculous housing prices, seemingly out‑of‑reach childcare and fertility costs, and a never-ending parade of hopeful online dating matches. Yes, life is hard working as a man, but for women there are some more items on the list: you need to push for a good career, look fabulous, find a nice husband, have kids, be part of Forbes’ 30 under 30, be an executive but not forget to have a clean white kitchen and make kids’ birthday cakes.

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© Photograph: Brothers91/Getty Images

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© Photograph: Brothers91/Getty Images

For those who have started down the road of matrimony and remain on it. For others who left, came back, and found themselves broken, free, or enlightened. And for the many who dream of what marriage is or curse what they imagine it to be. This one's for you.

Mandy does not want to discuss politics with Barry, while he is irritated by her evasiveness. But you get the final vote in this dispute
Find out how to get a disagreement settled or become a juror

The prosecution: Mandy

Barry is very leftwing and wants to change my views. But I have a right to keep my thoughts to myself

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© Illustration: Igor Bastidas/The Guardian

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© Illustration: Igor Bastidas/The Guardian

Jos, 64, and Bjørn, 47, were introduced by a mutual friend in 2011. They’ve supported each other through mental health trauma and are now happily settled near Amsterdam

When Bjørn visited a psychologist in 2011, he had no idea what to expect. “I’d been living in Amsterdam for five years and working as a graphic designer, but I was suffering burnout,” he says. “I love working with my hands, and through my psychology sessions, I discovered there were blacksmiths who make a living from it, so I decided to do a course in blacksmithing.”

To help him gain extra experience and learn outside the course, a mutual friend suggested that he email Jos, a local artist who made sculptures with metal. “As well as metalwork, I also make other things, like costumes and bodywork,” says Jos. “I was also working at a care home to support myself.” That December, Jos invited Bjørn to his workshop to watch him at work and, although he noticed that Jos was handsome, he thought he was too young to be interested. “I stayed professional and at first we just talked about work. I showed him some of the chain mail I’d been working on.”

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© Photograph: Supplied image undefined

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© Photograph: Supplied image undefined

Commenters pepper women’s social media accounts with the misunderstood phrase, fueling anxiety about dating and their sense of self

Over the past year, a peculiar phrase has begun to litter Asian women’s social media accounts: “Oxford study”.

An Asian woman vlogging about her dating life – and particularly about dating white men – gets commenters reacting to her updates with the words “Oxford study”. A young Asian student showing off her prom dress with her white boyfriend sees “obligatory Oxford study comment” on her TikTok. “I can already hear the oxford study comments coming,” one Asian woman captions a video of her dancing with her white partner.

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© Illustration: Lucia Pham/The Guardian

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© Illustration: Lucia Pham/The Guardian

Sex on mushrooms has heightened my sensitivity and helped me be more present and relaxed

• Americans have demonized drugs for decades. Now we’re doing them every day

A couple of months ago, I had an experience I’ll describe as “when I saw God”. I was lying on my back and had my eyes closed and I could see a warm green light all around me. In that moment, I just knew it was God, and I knew God was a woman. I felt so loved, safe and accepted. All these intense emotions were occurring at once, as I was orgasming.

My partner and I like to take magic mushrooms together. Mostly, we’ll take a low dose if we’re at a party, or a club, or even if we are going to see something like a dance performance. They keep us up a little longer, so we don’t go home feeling exhausted and want to go straight to sleep. Often, we’ll go home and have sex, and it will be incredible. Before shrooms, I guess I never really had sex on drugs (apart from being blackout drunk). This is totally different from that; it heightens sensitivity so much.

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© Illustration: Marta Parszeniew/The Guardian

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© Illustration: Marta Parszeniew/The Guardian

My first and only proper relationship ended the day after Princess Diana died. There followed years of dalliances and situationships, before I realised something crucial about myself

Sometimes a meme can change your life. OK, your love life, let’s not get Carrie’d away. It was about 3am; I was in bed with two empty Gü Zillionaire ramekins and my favourite hot-water bottle (yes, I have a favourite), and zombie-scrolling TikTok. A Sex and the City clip appeared. The one that says: “He’s just not that into you.”

I’d obviously seen it before, years ago when the show came out, but I hadn’t seen it since. So I didn’t swipe. I watched – for old times’ sake. And it blew my mind. You remember? Miranda is telling Carrie and Charlotte about her previous night’s almost-encounter: asking for their theories about a date who “didn’t come up” because he said he had an early meeting.

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© Photograph: Gemma Day

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© Photograph: Gemma Day